I celebrated Thanks giving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. Jon Stewart
I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance. Jon Stewart
It doesn’t make it a gotcha question just because it got ya. Jon Stewart
These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face! I look like I got on a damn tinted construction mask.
I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face.
If I still cannot hear what you have to say after you have repeated it three times, I will just laugh and hope it was not a question. Kevin Hart
First off, my kids know I’m a big deal. Kevin Hart
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like! It was born 15 minutes ago it looks like a potato. Kevin Hart
All I can do is try to create my own brand and have people appreciate me for that.
You won’t burn in hell. But be nice anyway. Ricky Gervais
If you can’t joke about the most horrendous things in the world, what’s the point of jokes? What’s the point in having humor? Humor is to get us over terrible things.
Enjoy life. Have fun. Be kind. Have worth. Have friends. Be honest. Laugh. Die with dignity. Make the most of it. It’s all we’ve got.
Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
Beliefs do not change facts. Facts, if one is rational, should change beliefs.
It’s a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. It’s the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for.
Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.
If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I’d be broke.
In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, ’Keep your facts, I’m going with the truth.
I say if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.
Say yes. You’ll figure it out afterward.
It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV.
If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.
A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.
Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.
Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don’t know.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
I failed kindergarten because I couldn’t spell my last name.
When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria – not necessarily by choice – but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren’t there.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
If you’re a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don’t have a choice.
I just really don’t like being the center of attention that much. It’s kind of ironic.
Just remember, when you should grab something, grab it; when you should let go, let go.
Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
The summer movies are coming out! My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.
You don’t need strength to let go of something. What you really need is understanding.